Freaking Pride!

For me, guarding my heart means that I become cynical. Or, more precisely, that I act cynical. But in the process of acting, a lot of times, I become cynical. Not literally cynical, but…emotionally cynical. My guarded heart becomes just another horrible cheesy cliché about hardened, protective hearts that can't open up or let go or let others in. It continues the process of blocking others out, of keeping my thoughts and true emotions in, of shaking it of any … any possibilities of hurt, sadness, betrayal, pain, suffering. I just don't trust people.

I've come to the solid realization that I am just way too damn proud and insecure. How paradoxical. And by "solid realization", I mean that it's something I want to fix; I actually want to do something about it.

Shall I explain?

I'm proud because I'm insecure. I won't show my true emotions because I'm afraid of being judged. I don't admit or point out my flaws because I am afraid that they will be things that whoever I'm with won't handle-- that they will drive them away. I am afraid that someone won't love me if they knew just how fucked up I am. So to keep them, I keep up appearances. I don't like to lose, I don't like to seem weak, so I continually act and pretend in ways that establish my superiority and strength. That's why I won't admit I miss someone, that I would like them to visit, that I do want to see them, that I'm mad they won't come see me, that I'm frustrated that they won't spend time with me. It's why I won't admit that I'm mad, either, because I'm afraid that being mad over a thing like that will make me seem too clingy and needy, too hotheaded, temperamental. That I will seem like such a small person.

And then I use my own wrongful actions as excuses for why I can't or won' t open up to them: "Oh, if I can't even talk to them about something like this, how can I approach them about deeper issues?" in addition to the fact that I just am too afraid to open up because I'm still afraid of judgment. And I don't want pity and I don't need solutions. Sometimes, I just want an ear to listen to me and a ready shoulder to lean on and someone to wipe away my tears. I want someone who will not judge. I want to know that I can trust them to be open-minded, that they will still love and respect me even after knowing all of my faults.

This is most likely why I continually felt (and to some degree, still do feel) so inferior to and disrespected by certain people. Perhaps due to my own insecurities or their projected personal opinions concerning our respective majors, I felt that they did not respect me as an intelligent person of worth. No matter what they said, no matter how much they praised me (seemingly patronizingly), I couldn't shake off this feeling that they did not mean it. I think I let it consume me too much because, like Ruth said, anger is a lot easier to handle than hurt.

Now, I want to change. I want to/need to stop being this person. Granted, it is good to be cautious, to make sure my heart doesn't fly too far away, that my hopes don't outrun me, but…it is also good to learn how to be more human, more humble, more accepted, more accepting, more risky. I need to learn how to risk my heart, to endure hurt, in order to grow. Jesus came down for us and he held nothing back. If we're supposed to live our lives like him, then it makes sense for me to learn how to let go. I need to let go of my pride, my selfishness, my self-centeredness, my insecurities. Because sometimes it's hell, to live like this.

If I'm going to be in a relationship, I might as well give it all I've got. I wasn't always this lazy person who half-asses things. Typically, I give it all I've got. Why shouldn't I do the same, especially for relationships? Romantic and otherwise. God knows it's going to be hard to bite down and just reveal all of my atrocities to the world, but how else am I going to break down my stubborn spirit?