I had Pastor Seth pray for me for the first time in my four years at Harvest. It was definitely not something that I wanted to do 100% from my own will but I did feel that I was meant to ask him.
Today's sermon on Jesus loves faith captured my attention. It wasn't because of the focus on the passage of Matthew 8:5-13 itself but rather the overarching basis that God prefers the faithful and rewards those who earnestly seek him (Hebrews 11:6). And that raised the question, do I earnestly seek God?
The answer, obviously, is no, I do not. All throughout this past year I have the need and tug at pull at my heart that God was calling out to me, searching my soul and imploring me to take the fall with Him. "Why don't you completely trust me, my daughter? What can the world offer you that I cannot? Why are you so afraid?" And that last question is always the one that resonates deeply within me. Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of? What do I think giving my life up to God entails? What do I think will happen once I completely let go of the bungee cord that keeps me grounded to the edge of the cliff instead of letting go once and for all and soaring with God after he catches me (Pastor Seth's vision)?
I know that yes, He offers so much and that He will suffice for my every need and desire. But I still cannot push away this seemingly daunting burden in my heart that giving myself up to God will lead to dire and undesirable consequences... That I will stop having to live my life the way I want to, that I will have to give up doing things that I want to, that I will have to push away people that I want near, that I must totally undergo an irreversible transformation, and not in the best way.
No, I know what I'm afraid of. I'm afraid that I will become like everyone else. That I will be one of those people grouped into that category of crazy Christians that I had always avoided becoming. What will my friends think? How will my family react? I know everyone in church isn't the same way at all and that doing things like reading the Bible everyday and praying and spending time with God are often the most important things to establishing a close relationship with Him, and that these things aren't even visible at all to the public. Yet a part of me still struggles in reconciling my innate repulsion at becoming one of "those people" and my persistent desire to become a more faithful follower.
God has shown me particularly these past few months, however, that the things conducted in one's private life is not always revealed in their public lives-- whether good or bad. So if I think that dedicating more time to God and letting go of my material and superficial comforts is something that will completely change the way people see me or my personality, then I'm wrong. God has built me a certain way to reach out to certain people; he has constructed my life in a way so that he can use me (if he wishes) to carry out his will. The good parts (whatever there may be) will remain and the bad parts he will flush out. So there is only good that will come from this because God is good and nothing he does is for naught.
What will it take to let go of that rope and jump off? I've always entertained the thought of going bungee jumping but it's one of those things that seem so far in the distance-- I don't have time right now; I don't know where I could go jumping; it costs too much; there are other things to do before indulging in that, etc. But God's bungee jumping site is always there and he always beckons us to come, free of charge, to try it out. Because once we try it, we realize how amazing the experience is. I want to jump off. I want to fall off and let God catch me. If we have God, what is there to fear?
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